today marks the 4th year that i've sort of half assed, sort of full assed jotted down all of my half-cocked and asanine bullshit. sometimes i've had moments of worth, most times it's just been worthless gibberish (both on purpose and on accident).

i am proud to say though, from ages 19 to 23 i've changed dramatically as a person, and for the better at that. i've grown, begun to understand, and strided to be a more mentally well human being. wow, right now i really don't know what to say... mostly because i'm actually going to be locking my diary and never looking back at here again. it's sort of like turning my back on an animal i'm trying to dump out in the woods. i neglected it here and there, but at other times we had so much fun together and we'd play all the time every day. but my attentions have been drawn elsewhere numerous times. circumstances arise, and new ordeals enter into my life. funny, since normally my diary is that perfect place to just let go and dump out whatever comes to my head about a certain situation.

but after 700 entries and 4 years, i think it's finally time to put this to rest. i'm just finishing copying my entries to microsoft word to be edited and spell checked (and boy does it need it.), then it'll be as if i never existed on this site. after 3 months my diary will be locked and buried and gone like so many others i used to know long ago. so many people in the diaryland community i knew and have made friends with. some i still converse with, some are just shadows that have faded with the daylight. but one way or another i guess that maybe it'll all mattered. maybe i touched someone when they needed it, maybe they touched me, maybe we all saved each others lives at the right moment. fate leads to odd roads, and i can't believe in coincidence. certain people will be drawn to you, and you to them at the proper moments.

i don't know what i'm rambling about now. this really could be just a simple "for those of you who stuck around, this is my last one finger salute to the world from this medium." but i guess it's not really about that and has never been about that. well, the one finger salute for the world, it's been about that. but i think i'm more or less saying goodbye to myself. saying bye to a fraction of me that used to matter so much, and now other things matter so much more. it's kinda stupid when i think about it, but this almsot feels like i'm breaking up with a girlfriend or something. which is wierd, since girlfriends normally ended up being my number one reason for lack of diary input. irony huh? especially since they lead to so much great writing material in the end.

but really; i'll miss you my friend, my companion in the good times and bad (mostly bad), my wall i could yell at and slam my fists into and cry on when the doldrums of everyday bullshit got unbearable. that or the laughing place i needed when i realized that all this shit i'm getting so worked up over is really so stupid i can't help but laugh at its ridiculous nature. it does kinda suck that my spelling has only gotten marginally better, i don't write "teh" "jsut" and "leik" as much as i used to, and i still abuse the elipsis. but at least my elipsis overuse wasn't to look cool or anything, it was more or less because i'm typing like i'm having a conversation with someone. the elipsis is me jointing two different thoughts together, though a comma or period alone could do it just as well.

if i think hard enough i can still remember 2/13/2002 well enough. especially fingering taleen, man that was fucking hot. i was kicking back in my old recliner kathryn and nikki would be forcing me to give up a little over 2 years later (not for a lack of it needing to be thrown away, but i still loved that chair.) i was using some old piece of shit computer, and i had just recently read an article in spin talking about online journals. this was pre-blog being the universally accepted term for the activity. man it makes me sick that the media always latches on to the most retarded names for things. like screamo, and blog. man, make me wanna gut myself twice why don't ya? but besides that, yeah, i was wearing my hoodie, talking to lauren (oh, by the way, since i'm here and no one's gonna read this anyway, after knowing lauren for a little over the amount of time i've owned this diary we finally had sex last week and it was fucking awesome. by far some of the best sex i've ever had in my entire life. the kind that makes you feel like it's the first time you ever had an orgasm. her skin on mine, her lips, her smell, her eyes and hair. it all fit perfectly with the moment in time, the slight linger of alcohol in our systems, it was awkward, but sexy and stimulating. i've had a subdued crush on her for a very long time, but to finally act on it, it was amazing. also i totally have it filed away for future mastrubational purpose... and have already used that archive.) on MSN (before i made the AIM switch) and listening to something stupid i'm sure. i can't remember.

that's sort of wierd since songs from certain key moments in my life tend to plant themselves in my memory. like some sort of neuralogical tick or some shit.

man, how young and naive i was. not quite scarred over and calloused emotionally yet. it was a lot easier for me to get worked up over nothing and lash out rashly. not to say i don't do that now, but the outbursts have declined sharply. still quick witted, but not nearly as clever as now, life was a little bit simpler, but so much more confusing. i don't know if the world just makes more sense now, of maybe with wisdom comes the realization that life is complicated but it makes sense... or maybe that's from all the drugs i've done since then. i do have to be thankful that drugs haven't destroyed me, but if anything helped mold that lump of dough i was. not all drug users are junkies kids, just remember that. i wouldn't ever tell people to start tweaking or shooting smack, but i would highly endorse mental stimulation and to smoke more pot instead of drinking. if anything i feel dumber after drinking too much whiskey in a night. after i smoke too much pot, normally i feel a little dazed, but like i understand a little more about this big crazy universe around me. that and being high is fun, that's always a plus. however getting high for the sake of getting high i think is fucking retarded. i'd rather get high to enjoy all of its benefits.

however, that's not important now. but what is important anyway? what the fuck am i supposed to say now that i'm actually going for good? like, i've given up writing, and also strung this along like a sick child on life support a few times before (about 5 to my count.) but i've never had the intention of just letting go. just dropping it off into the eternal void.

woah, i wonder what would happen if you fell stright through the earth. like, what would happen once you got to the core (besides be incinerated by the molten core.) would you cease to fall? would you float? cos you're at a focal point of gravity, there's no clear defined up or down, the earth is always moving, so you'd be eternally falling. i sort of wanna go to the center of the earth now. granted i have no idea how to get there, except to just start digging, and drilling. but then you'd end up in a layer of whatever the fuck is under the earth's crust. also, you'd probably be attacked by whatever subterranian life forms are down there. i'm not really looking forward to that one.
there's so many mysteries in the universe, but we only have one life with our conciousness to try and explore them. i bet ever with the lives of 1000 people you couldn't even scratch the surface. the more i learn, the more i realize i know jack shit. it's so cleche but so true on top of it.

all i know is that i don't know nothing - Op Ivy.

what the fuck was i even talking about before this? this seems like i already did this about 699 other times before. i think that i've worn out what i wanted to say, my record needle is fucked up and broken, and so is my record. i hope that in some small way i made a dent in the world, or at least in diaryland's server space.

to all the people i've offended, praised, loved, lost, laughed, hissed, flamed, jeered, gave mad props to, claimed was the greatest/worst thing ever, and all around gained my attention or the other way around, thanks for being there when you really didn't have to be. even if this was my diary, and all those years i tried to claim i didnt' give a shit about what people had to say about me, i lied. your importance ranges from moderatly nothing, to life shattering. people make other people's lives more interesting, and i thank you for doing that for me, and me for you. now there's no better way for me to close this out than by how i've been doing it for 4 years.

always onwards and upwards, and now outwards.
-excelsior-

-Christopher Bryan Bollweg/ Tofu Adam Bot [end_transmission]