i wanna vomit!

why the hell am i such a lame ass suck-monster?

okay... maybe not a suck monster... but i am lame assed... why can i not let go of anyone? why do i cling and cling anc cling to people that are no longer in my life? why do i cling and cling and cling onto memories i know i shouldn't, and i know are not a good part of my psyche? why do i miss missy? i know she's a pain in my ass, and continues to be one on occasion, and i have NO right whatsoever to be upset with her... really i don't, and i wouldn't say i'm upset, but i feel... jealous maybe? that she's got someone else... why? I HAVE SOMEONE! i mean we're not dating or anything... but seriously.. i struck first, i "moved on" first... am i just succumbing to the "i want what i can't have" deal here? i think i am... but there's that burning fire in my gut saying "you let something good go", but when she was here is "dude, you deserve better than this"

i hate you brain
i hate you heart

on a GOOOOOOOD note... today was an okay day... in fact it was so good, here's a top 5 good things that happened to chris today

5.kathryn woke me up this afternoon and took me to work/ lunch later
4.i got my year in review evaluation at work and it was actually pretty good (despite i was complaining that i'm sick of working at borders and i need a new job BADLY!)
3.i met mickey from 2gether today... he ordered a lemon-lime gatorade and i told him he was one funny bruiser
2.i wrote 2 cool sets of lyrics that actually helped me feel a little better than before
1.nothing went wrong! you can't color a good day bad if nothing's gone wrong in it... how peachy?

i was thinking today what i would do if some little kid came up to me and told me i was his hero... i used to want this to happen a lot.. i always wanted to be someone's hero, and inspire those younger than myself... but i think i would have to say, don't let me be your hero... don't say you wanna be just like me, don't say you wanna grow up like me... cos really you don't wanna be just like me... if you wanna be as much like me as you can.. just be yourself... i think that's what my pearls of wisdom would be to the next generation of youngsters out there in the world... not to mention, it takes a lot of heartache, lot of hardtimes, and a lot of emotional/ physical/ mental downfalls and trauma to get to this state.. i don't think anyone really wants that.. it happens to us all.. but no one wants it.

god i'm ready to puke... missy's now gushing on and on about her new boyfriend... mr. fucking huge cock.. that she mentions everytime she talks to me... dude, seriously, is she trying to piss me off and make me hurt? cos everytime she talks to me it seems like some kind of trap to make me fall in and make me feel sooo sorry for dumping her back to the ohio landfill she came from.

yeah, i had sex with a friend a week and a half after she went home... yes, i really liked that friend, did i have intentions on ever dating her? i never thought it'd come to that.. it might not still... we're enjoying the seeing each other, but she just broke up with her boyfriend and i'm in the same boat... i know i'm not over missy... kathryn will probably never tell me if she's feeling things for les still (i bet she is... but she seems happy with her desicion.. but hey, sex happens... especially with 2 horney and drunk people that've had repressed feelings for each other for a while... but we're not actually dating

with missy, hey, can we say rebounding must last a fucking minute with you... yeah... there was REALLLLY something there... you really do love me "always and forever" pft, what a crock of shit.. you've moved on, congrats... don't speak to me about it... i'm just glad she hasn't called me in a while... almost a month... but then again it does feel like an eternity since she left...

FUCK!

why am i so fucked up about this?!!!! can't i just get over anything in my life?!!!! it's been almost 3 fucking years since i met liz, and i'm still not over her... i obsess and toil over how much i loathe and despise that fucking cunt... most likely in some sick obsession i still have lingering over how she singlehandedly destroyed everything about me that was once nice and kind and beautiful... gina.. i;m still kinda not over... why? cos i have to see opie, and it makes me think of how he fucked her, and that wound's still deep... as well as charles... fucksucks... god,is culley the only "friend" i have that i don't have a reason to hate?

damn.. jack burned me, opie and charels burned me... callie burned me... well, i don't have a reason to hate kriza i suppose... but fuck, almost every friend i've had has fucked me over royally

whatever... today was a good day, why am i so fucking pissed off now? fuck this

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK F U C K !!!!!!!!!

-excelsior-