some people i think should stop bitching about their problems and just kill themselves... one day i'll take that advice, but as of lately i've been feeling pretty okay despite my world is kinda shitty... but when it comes down to it, it's really only a matter of me being jobless and having to pay bills... so i'm not that bad off after all you know.

i don't know why i torture myself sometimes by trying to pry into other peoples feelings and thoughts about me, it always leaves me feeling cheated, or hurt, or not as important as i thought i was, sometimes i just wanna stay in my own delusionary world and not worry about what's really going on around me, i've achieved it to an extent by not watching TV, but on the whole, it really comes down to i should stop asking people to be honest with me.

i still haven't gotten paid by half.com yet, it's been an official 7 business days and i should have had my fucking direct deposit in my bank account by now... i was kind of hoping on that... especially since i have to keep spending money to make money. postage doesn't come for free you know.

last night was one okay night... i guess okay... i was kind of pissed off at kathryn's brother tim who decided to make himself at home here with his friends, especially since he never comes here unless he wants me to buy him beer (i think this is my penance for all those times i got hooked up when i stood out in front of 7-11 and asked the pisas por la cervesa). kathryn's annoying friend nancy came over too and insisted that her and kathryn do E (even though one of the pills in question was mine) so they ended up getting e-tarded and i barely even caught a buzz off of the beer i was drinking. kathryn and i stayed up till 8:45AM just talking about nothing, we haven't gotten a chance to just talk lately since we've still yet to have a day without anyone fucking coming over to pester us(including today since she just sat around with nancy here, which i wasn't to pleased with since well, i don't really like nancy). but i was a good housekeeper today, i made lunch for everyone (i've basically become a housewife as of lately since i've been home all the time, and i seem to be the only one that cleans anything around here without having to be told to do it... god i've been doing more work since i've been unemployed than i ever did at borders). i was supposed to go to my moms house today and do laundrey and pick up a word 6.0 disc so i could do some writing, but alas, my girlfriend was being a fucking worthless layabout today... it pisses me off to think about that, that we were going to do shit today, but because nancy was here, all they did was watch movies and basically be good for nothing except for eating my food, bitching that i was on the computer, and basically making me feel bad for doing something that i wanted to do even though they where being completely inneffectual.

i did get some record label stuff done... so far i've got a 4 man squad assembled on this project, and i think it's time for cyber-punk records to finally pick itself up and start getting some fucking distribution deals going on. i decided to put out tim's cd on my imprint when he makes one (we started making beats for it last night) i'm gonna be making his beats, the's gonna work some DJ magic onto it, and his homie justin's gonna do some flows over it all. should sound tight when it's all done and mixed right.

i finally got to set up my network adapter last night... online play has been terminated for tony hawk 3, but i've been having a blast playing midnight club 2 online, lord love the DSL (not dick sucking lips mind you.

i'm gonna get some sleep finally, i have to make some call backs and get my ass out onto the pavement looking for work again. i really think i'm gonna have to go back to borders... but i'll make it the excuse that i'm only coming to help for the holidays and stay there... even though everyone new sucks ass.

-excelsior-